Forum - Other - my current situation 🏳️‍🌈 page 3

IndyHaine

Bracelet King

1 year, 10 months ago by IndyHaine

Not sure if you want advice from a stranger so feel free to ignore this message if this is more of a private conversation between friends. But I'm 30, panromantic and probably also nonbinary so I thought maybe I can help.

Firstly, I don't know Maddie's age, so there are two different scenarios here regarding your parents: if Maddie is way older than you, then I kinda see where they're coming from. I think most straight people think that LGBT+ topics are always inherently sexual, just because you're technically talking about sexuality. Maybe it would calm your parents to know you've not been having conversations with a (maybe adult?) person about sex itself but about the culture surrounding your identity.
If Maddie is an adult and your parents don't want you talking to her, then... I know it sucks but maybe listen to them on this?
I've been your age and I've talked to adults online and thought that it's fine and I can protect myself, but in hindsight, it was really messed up. A friend of mine who had an older boyfriend that her mum absolutely flipped her marbles about and forbade her to see, recently told me how glad she is for her mum's reaction in hindsight. I know that sounds condescending coming from an adult, and that's not my intention, but yeah..

Secondly, your parents going through your messages... That's kind of a two-way thing here. Your parents should absolutely let you have your privacy and going through someone else's messages is very, VERY rarely justified.
But your parents are also your guardians and have to protect you. In an ideal situation, your parents would trust you to tell them if anything (online or otherwise) was off, and you would tell them the truth.
I can't know your exact situation with your parents, but if you feel like you can ask them: maybe ask why they don't trust you to do that and why they are invading your privacy like that. Minor or adult, everybody has a right to privacy. It's literally a basic human need. But one of the rare cases where I'd say it's justified to go through messages, is if I thought someone in my care is in serious (physical OR emotional) danger.
Ask them why they were going through your messages and what they were afraid to find, because that sounds like a very important conversation to be had, to me.

About the "you're too young to know if you're nonbinary or a lesbian":
Yeah. Maybe. I'm 30 and I feel like I still don't 100% know. So what? At which arbitrary point are you allowed to identify as anything? If you're too young to know you're a nonbinary lesbian, you're also too young to know you're a straight cis person, and yet I never hear people critizing anyone at any age for that. Are you in limbo until you're 18, and only then you're allowed to even think about who you, as a person, are? Because that sure sounds unhealthy...
Are you, at age 5, too young to know you wanna be a doctor/painter/lawyer/firefighter/whatever or that ypur favourite colour is green? Yes! But somehow that's okay to say but not that, as a teen, you say you're gender-/queer? What's the worst that can happen? That later on you're finding out that a label doesn't suit you and you no longer identify with it, just like you can change your favourite colour to purple, when you realize maybe green wasn't your favourite for your entire life. What harm would that do? I'm pretty sure none. And what's the best that can happen? That you feel a bit more like yourself, can surround yourself with people who understand your struggles and make you feel less lonely.
Zero downsides, only upsides.
Anyway, if you're having a conversation with your parents at some point, maybe those arguments can help you make them understand. I sure wish I had them at a younger age.

Yeah, so TL;DR: When you feel like you can have a calm and productive conversation about it with your parents, try to tell them that you need privacy as much as any human does, promise them to tell them if anything ever feels off (and DO tell them if that is the case or else you'll be back to square one), and ask them what they think is the absolute worst thing that would come out of you identifying as lesbian or nonbinary and assure them that you can still change your mind about it later IF you ever feel like it doesn't fit after all; but that you're the only one who can know what you feel like.
And in a different convo maybe ask them why they were going through your messages because that is very weird.

And most of all: do everything at your own pace and prioritize your own emotional safety over bringing any of this up to your parents just because I advised you to do so. You know your situation best.
I wish you all the luck in the world that your parents come around soon, and I'm sorry you're going through this right now. ❤️

sage-wolf

Bracelet King

1 year, 10 months ago by sage-wolf

@IndyHaine first off, thank you so much for such a detailed response.
maddie is a year older than me, and we’ve been friends for a a very long time (since i was 8)

they went through my texts for the first time because i mentioned that maddie was bi so they read all the texts. the second time it was because they said i was acting like i was hiding something (i was), but they still do that for no reason.

IndyHaine

Bracelet King

1 year, 10 months ago by IndyHaine

Okay, that's a relief about Maddie then! It's good to have a friend who gets your struggles. They sound like a good friend! 🙂

And I may have pegged your situation wrong, then, because I assumed your parents' main concern was that you're too young to identify as anything. But if they mistrust your friend on the sole basis of knowing that they're bi, then I don't know if you wanna bring any of the stuff I said up to them.
Like I said: You know your situation best! You don't have to come out to anyone if you don't feel like you want to, even to your parents.
Sorry I can't say anything more helpful...
My flatmate said, she had planned to take her parents to some kind of family-pride-counselling after coming out. Maybe there's something like that in your area, if you feel like that might be a good idea?

sage-wolf

Bracelet King

1 year, 10 months ago by sage-wolf

@IndyHaine where i live is pretty un accepting but there probably is something like that. they think i’m too young to be lesbian, but somehow not to be straight lol. and they actually think i’m too old to be non-binary since “you were always fine with being a girl”. they are some of the more accepting people in our area but i think my mom in particular is still fairly ignorant

IndyHaine

Bracelet King

1 year, 10 months ago by IndyHaine

Yeah unfortunately, most straight people think of straight as the default, as basically "no sexuality", just because most people are straight and don't have to specify that they are.

The whole situation sucks so much, I'm so sorry.

IndyHaine Bracelet King	1 year, 10 months ago by IndyHaine Not sure if you want advice from a stranger so feel free to ignore this message if this is more of a private conversation between friends. But I'm 30, panromantic and probably also nonbinary so I thought maybe I can help. Firstly, I don't know Maddie's age, so there are two different scenarios here regarding your parents: if Maddie is way older than you, then I kinda see where they're coming from. I think most straight people think that LGBT+ topics are always inherently sexual, just because you're technically talking about sexuality. Maybe it would calm your parents to know you've not been having conversations with a (maybe adult?) person about sex itself but about the culture surrounding your identity. If Maddie is an adult and your parents don't want you talking to her, then... I know it sucks but maybe listen to them on this? I've been your age and I've talked to adults online and thought that it's fine and I can protect myself, but in hindsight, it was really messed up. A friend of mine who had an older boyfriend that her mum absolutely flipped her marbles about and forbade her to see, recently told me how glad she is for her mum's reaction in hindsight. I know that sounds condescending coming from an adult, and that's not my intention, but yeah.. Secondly, your parents going through your messages... That's kind of a two-way thing here. Your parents should absolutely let you have your privacy and going through someone else's messages is very, VERY rarely justified. But your parents are also your guardians and have to protect you. In an ideal situation, your parents would trust you to tell them if anything (online or otherwise) was off, and you would tell them the truth. I can't know your exact situation with your parents, but if you feel like you can ask them: maybe ask why they don't trust you to do that and why they are invading your privacy like that. Minor or adult, everybody has a right to privacy. It's literally a basic human need. But one of the rare cases where I'd say it's justified to go through messages, is if I thought someone in my care is in serious (physical OR emotional) danger. Ask them why they were going through your messages and what they were afraid to find, because that sounds like a very important conversation to be had, to me. About the "you're too young to know if you're nonbinary or a lesbian": Yeah. Maybe. I'm 30 and I feel like I still don't 100% know. So what? At which arbitrary point are you allowed to identify as anything? If you're too young to know you're a nonbinary lesbian, you're also too young to know you're a straight cis person, and yet I never hear people critizing anyone at any age for that. Are you in limbo until you're 18, and only then you're allowed to even think about who you, as a person, are? Because that sure sounds unhealthy... Are you, at age 5, too young to know you wanna be a doctor/painter/lawyer/firefighter/whatever or that ypur favourite colour is green? Yes! But somehow that's okay to say but not that, as a teen, you say you're gender-/queer? What's the worst that can happen? That later on you're finding out that a label doesn't suit you and you no longer identify with it, just like you can change your favourite colour to purple, when you realize maybe green wasn't your favourite for your entire life. What harm would that do? I'm pretty sure none. And what's the best that can happen? That you feel a bit more like yourself, can surround yourself with people who understand your struggles and make you feel less lonely. Zero downsides, only upsides. Anyway, if you're having a conversation with your parents at some point, maybe those arguments can help you make them understand. I sure wish I had them at a younger age. Yeah, so TL;DR: When you feel like you can have a calm and productive conversation about it with your parents, try to tell them that you need privacy as much as any human does, promise them to tell them if anything ever feels off (and DO tell them if that is the case or else you'll be back to square one), and ask them what they think is the absolute worst thing that would come out of you identifying as lesbian or nonbinary and assure them that you can still change your mind about it later IF you ever feel like it doesn't fit after all; but that you're the only one who can know what you feel like. And in a different convo maybe ask them why they were going through your messages because that is very weird. And most of all: do everything at your own pace and prioritize your own emotional safety over bringing any of this up to your parents just because I advised you to do so. You know your situation best. I wish you all the luck in the world that your parents come around soon, and I'm sorry you're going through this right now. ❤️
sage-wolf Bracelet King	1 year, 10 months ago by sage-wolf @IndyHaine first off, thank you so much for such a detailed response. maddie is a year older than me, and we’ve been friends for a a very long time (since i was 8) they went through my texts for the first time because i mentioned that maddie was bi so they read all the texts. the second time it was because they said i was acting like i was hiding something (i was), but they still do that for no reason.
IndyHaine Bracelet King	1 year, 10 months ago by IndyHaine Okay, that's a relief about Maddie then! It's good to have a friend who gets your struggles. They sound like a good friend! 🙂 And I may have pegged your situation wrong, then, because I assumed your parents' main concern was that you're too young to identify as anything. But if they mistrust your friend on the sole basis of knowing that they're bi, then I don't know if you wanna bring any of the stuff I said up to them. Like I said: You know your situation best! You don't have to come out to anyone if you don't feel like you want to, even to your parents. Sorry I can't say anything more helpful... My flatmate said, she had planned to take her parents to some kind of family-pride-counselling after coming out. Maybe there's something like that in your area, if you feel like that might be a good idea?
sage-wolf Bracelet King	1 year, 10 months ago by sage-wolf @IndyHaine where i live is pretty un accepting but there probably is something like that. they think i’m too young to be lesbian, but somehow not to be straight lol. and they actually think i’m too old to be non-binary since “you were always fine with being a girl”. they are some of the more accepting people in our area but i think my mom in particular is still fairly ignorant
IndyHaine Bracelet King	1 year, 10 months ago by IndyHaine Yeah unfortunately, most straight people think of straight as the default, as basically "no sexuality", just because most people are straight and don't have to specify that they are. The whole situation sucks so much, I'm so sorry.

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