Help with a poem!!
Reply
|
Himani6204
Professional
 |
2 years ago by Himani6204
In my school, we have to write a poem and present to the class on the 12th and I don't think my poem is really a poem. I think it more like a short story and I don't know how to fix that so could someone please review this and help me! The tape went rip rip rip when I was standing on the spot my couch once laid All the cardboard boxes were huddled together like bees when making honey I didn’t know this day was the day I would abandon my house The house which every square foot every inch had a meaning and memory behind it. Even though no one saw it The house where the happiness and sadness had been combined like nectar This house which I would abandon and never see and never shed a tear for The reason why didn’t shed a tear, I didn’t know I was moving I was lured into fantasies of childhood to find out what was happening in the reality of my life In one word, the childish innocence and lack of knowledge blinded me It was no longer than 5 hours since I realized I was in a new place and that the car ride that I had wasn’t a normal one and one that would change me forever It had boring white walls with a even more boring carpet When I tried to touch the wall it was cold, and distant Like it didn’t want me to be there and try to touch it It didn’t feel like home It took some weeks to finally unpack everything and start my daily life again But I still didn’t know that I would never see my old house or friends again It was like living in a fabric of fakeness that you couldn’t get out of IT was sad Then school started, Knowing no one or how the building was I sat in a seat I was shy and quiet due to I had no friends Though I did make some friends is the end But it wasn’t easy, everyone already knew each other and Knew everyone’s name and had memories already In the end, I managed to survive and graduate Though I still never met my friends before I moved Or my house before |
|
ughastd
Professional
 |
2 years ago by ughastd
tbh anything can be a poem even if it sort of resembles a short story. a lot of poetry is based on structure and sound, are you reading it to the class, will they have a physical copy so that they can see it? if you wanna follow a more basic structure then you could try splitting one line into two or three, such as “all the cardboard boxes were huddled together” and then the next line could have the “like bees when making honey” instead of being just one long sentence. but either way i think the writing is good and it’s a nice poem
|
|
sage-wolf
Bracelet King
 |
2 years ago by sage-wolf
maybe you could divide it into more organized stanzas? tbh I think it’s great
|
|
Zoeslays
Skiller
 |
2 years ago by Zoeslays
in my oppinion, i really am surprised about how good that poem is!! i have never experienced the moving emotions and feelings, but tbh i really think you did great and now i have a feel of what life is like when you move!! great job Himani6204 it really is a great poem good luck on the 12th
|
|
Zoeslays
Skiller
|
2 years ago by Zoeslays
my favorite part about the poem is definetly the comparisons to bees and stuff and like the nectar and honeycomb part also there’s so many good examples of detail in this poem!! i love it!! this slayyys 100% lolz
|
|
senor
Bracelet King
 |
2 years ago by senor
honestly, like the @ughastd said, anything can be a poem. if you don’t feel it’s “poetry” enough, i would suggest adding more nuance. instead of explaining what’s happening, make it more based on what you’re feelings. for example you said, “i had boring white walls with an even more boring carpet. when i tried to touch the wall it was cold and distant. like it didn’t want me to be there and try to touch it.” personally, it feels a little bit spoon feeding because you repeat stuff and then just add a little bit. i would suggest maybe something like “the boring white walls and even more boring carpet were cold and distant at my touch.” that encompasses everything i feel like you were trying to say in the sentences i quoted. altho correct me if i’m wrong. but still, it’s a wonderful poem and i think you would be fine just turning that in (:
|
|
Himani6204
Professional
|
2 years ago by Himani6204
@ughastd @sage-wolf @Zoeslays @senor Thank u so much!!! Your positivity and support helps me a lot with the stress to present this and make me more confident about my writing!! 😊 You all really made my day! 🙂 ❤️ |
|
Zoeslays
Skiller
|
2 years ago by Zoeslays
Awww no problem
|
|
dhago
Beginner
 |
1 year, 12 months ago by dhago
hah. poetry.
|
|
sage-wolf
Bracelet King
|
1 year, 12 months ago by sage-wolf
how did it go?
|
|
Himani6204
Professional
|
1 year, 11 months ago by Himani6204
@ sage-wolf My teacher postponed it so I have to do it tomorrow!! I'm kinda scared but I think I can do fine!
|
|
Himani6204
Professional
|
1 year, 11 months ago by Himani6204
@sage-wolf I presented it today! It went well the only thing was is that I talked to fast!
|
Reply
